ATTENTION : People Pleasers !
If you know this term, you probably identify with this or most likely know someone who does. For people, who are reading this term for the first time allow me to break it down for you in two statements:
People pleasers have hard time saying NO for things they don't want to do.
People pleasing mostly begins very early in life and to find it out, takes much longer than we know.
Now that we are done with the WHATS of it. Let us begin on HOWS. How does this happen? Well like many other personality traits, this also develops during early teenage or childhood. I know for a fact a lot of parents treat their children nicely if they do something to PLEASE them. The expectation to be rewarded by parents becomes deep rooted, fear of abandonment and fear of rejection ( even the slightest frown from parents )becomes deeper. So, to avoid making their parents angry or disappoint them, these children or teens learn to please their parents in the beginning to get the validation or even love from them.
Over the period of time, this habit becomes natural instinct and before we realize we start looking to make people around us happier than we are. We look around for their validation, their smiles and their nod . Why does this become important to us? As a childhood habit, we know this is the only way we will be SEEN. As children, we all want the love, attention and care and as we grow, the basic need remains more or less the same.
Behavior is refined becomes less subtle but seeking validation from outside becomes more important than before. People pleasers usually forget to make boundaries and are often perceived as perpetual GIVERS in Instagram words.
They are not givers by choice, this is what life has taught them of how world operates. As sad as their own situation will be they will prioritize others over themselves. This is not HEROIC if you ask me, as a people pleaser myself I know I hate to put myself second and to realize that I have wasted so much energy on others, where I could have utilized it do something better for myself. I sure want to be there for my family & friends but not at the cost of my own mental health. We are sucked into other people’s drama even if we don't want it, that is the BOUNDARY we all need to have.
Having said that, setting boundaries will not be an overnight change. You gradually become aware of your people pleasing habits, counter question it and then start rectifying it. Its a very long journey from self-discovery to self -improvement.
We Indians especially women are applauded for being selfless all the time, what if we don't want to be self less? We want to put ourselves first for once and not be shamed for that.
I am not a daughter, sister, wife or mother. I am ME and I would first like to take care of MYSELF.
So ladies & gentlemen — people pleasing is hard to give up and you need as much as self control as you need for any other bad habit to go. Be patient with yourself and start by setting smallest boundaries like not being available during your work hours for friend emergencies or not answering calls from complaining family members during your ME time. As they say, longest journey starts with one small step..
I am myself on this journey and learning each day how to have respectful boundaries.
People pleasing is bad for people and US. We are setting wrong expectations when we do things out of pressure and not love. Lets teach people to learn to live in cold without putting ourselves on FIRE.
Everyone knows how to save others, lets save ourselves FIRST.
