Rock bottom is my HIGH!
First let me tell you all who are blissfully not aware of this phase in life, all you sweet sweet people, rock bottom is the depth of that darkness you hit and you are not at peace with yourself. Rock bottom is when you don't want to wake up anymore to function, where you hate people and yourself with zero hope in life. Do you think you are finished but are you really?
I have hit my rock bottom not once but I guess two or three times in my life and I will tell you I have a newfound respect for this unnecessary hated phase. Every time, I flew out of it, I found the new version of myself with an unbeatable sense of self and respect for people who have thrived and survived.
I have always been overweight in my adult life, I have been shamed, made feel guilty and rejected by many many people because of the way I looked and I forgive those people today because I lost my weight but they couldn’t lose their brain.
I will go back to almost 2 years back, February 2020 BC ( Before Covid) when I was 105 kgs, with low self-esteem and a premium subscription of SELF HATE. I have always been an emotional eater, usually, when I am happy I EAT, when I am sad, I EAT and when I am angry I EAT.. so on… Basically, for emotional eaters, when life gets tough, tough gets eating. I was actually just eating my life away, not even exaggerating. I became so unhealthy and so oblivious about my weight that it became a nuisance for people who loved me, who really cared about me and wanted me to have a healthy life. So like any other addiction, food abuse is very much possible.
When an addict is told to stop, they defend themselves, they find excuses and they do in hiding and I was doing all of it. I used to eat alone so I could eat more, comfort myself and forget that real problems exist. I was using food as my escape, a lot of addicts may nod on this one that you deep down are aware of your habits and you want to change but it takes more than courage to even accept or acknowledge that.
One fine day, I got my medical tests and I was diagnosed with Borderline Diabetes which is my heritage and I am pretty much prone to it all my life. This report shook me and I realized this can become life-threatening and I need to make changes sooner than I thought. With help of my family, I started making changes in my diet which were very HARD initially because just like any other addiction, it too had withdrawal symptoms. I was crankier, frustrated and angry at everyone else because I couldn't do what I always used to do to comfort myself. I reduced my intake by 80% of my diet and I was surviving on what was just 20% of my diet. The first week was hell, the second week was tolerable, the third week again was very close to relapse and the fourth week I started feeling better. So as much as people say trust the process, the process bit is the hardest when you don't see results quickly. After a month, I lost a couple of kgs, I felt lighter, my skin was way better and I sensed that this change feels good at least on the inside.
The first four weeks actually were easier, now when it had to become the real habit and not just a fad diet of one month. It became harder by the day. It literally took IRON WILL to survive every day, the only thought that made it easier was ONE DAY AT A TIME.
To date November, Feb 2021- I weighed 78 Kgs after a loss of 27 kgs which was not easy but absolutely worth it. I felt better as I could breathe better, look better and moreover see the respect from people for something that I did on my own. You know, there are people and systems to help you but when it comes to your health, it is a very lonely journey, you know how it feels on the inside and it is heartbreaking at times but on those days, I worked harder to sustain.
Changing yourself physically is one of the most exhaustive journeys of your lives and I wouldn't have taken that first step if I didn't hit that rock bottom.
This journey taught me that self-love is not about Instagram quotes or pep talks from Influencers. Self-love is destructing all the beliefs you had about yourself and constructing your faith in yourself despite all the negativity you created in your mind. Self-love is looking inside you and fixing what is bothering you at the core level, Taylor swift will not come and do it for you.
When you go through such changes, you will realize that people’s behaviour towards will change too. They will respect you more, love you more and probably want to know you more. Don't take this attention personally and don't take all that criticism personal either.
Sometimes, I do feel arrogant about this journey but I also forgive those who judged me on the way how I looked. I know for myself I felt those vibes and I felt insulted in the way people have looked at me with utmost disgust, finding humour in my misery, fat people jokes are people’s favourite when there is a fat person around. I quietly observed all of it, waiting for my turn and now those people are texting me and asking me how I did this? :)
I find my ground that I know I have not ARRIVED. I know I still have to make a lot of changes in myself to be my best version. But I am happy, I started my journey.
To all of you, who feel that life is stuck and you can't move, you can. All you need is YOU.
Be arrogant enough to do things alone but humble enough to offer people the help they need.
On that note, I am no longer borderline diabetic, I enjoy people now, I am not scared of how people perceive me and I derive my confidence from what I bring into people’s lives and not how I look.
Struggles are necessary but so beautiful.
Rock bottom is rocky and rocking too.
